I am not writing this post to indulge self-pity, nor to pigeon hole myself into a certain demographic of mothers. I am writing this to acknowledge and recognise that mothers are emotional beings, beyond the emotions that demand us to give to our families . Once we have a child, we should not forget our own emotional needs or replace these with those of our children’s. As I embarked on my new journey into motherhood, I recognised the need to be gentle with myself while mourning the loss of my former self; I was forced to mother myself in the absence of my own mother who has passed away, and I discovered a new self that I am proud to say is strong, confident and knowing in ways I never could comprehend ‘Before Baby’ (BB).
My journey began when I joined a local support group for mothers who are without their own. I learnt what I was missing was my space; a time-out from E-male to reflect and be present in that moment. It didn’t make me less of a mother, in fact it made me a better mother. I no longer mourned the person that I was ‘BB’, and instead re-focused my feelings to allow more clarity to deal with the new feelings I faced in motherhood.
Mindfulness for a Motherless Mother – what does that mean?
Mindfulness means a complete awareness of the present moment, and a deep understanding of the realities of the present moment. Cultivating mindfulness will allow a clear comprehension of the present situation, to alleviate any feelings of fear or apprehension when presented with a future unfamiliar environment.
To have mindfulness as a motherless mother provides a huge sense of empowerment. I developed self-confidence I never knew I could possess, but realised was much needed in motherhood. I was suddenly able to tap into an innate and instinctual ability to know what was best for my son. I couldn’t defer to my mother for her wisdom, so I became the sole keeper of E-male’s wants and needs…and it was so rewarding!
What I have come to realise is that even when faced with life situations that are less than ideal, it can actually be better for us. I don’t depend on anyone else so won’t feel ‘abandoned’ when that person isn’t there later on in motherhood. I have learnt all the skills on my own and have more knowledge and wisdom than I thought I could have, had I depended on another for their insights.
My tips for cultivating mindfulness
You don’t have to be a motherless mother; these are useful for any of us who are facing an internal emotional struggle of who we are vs. who we used to be. Or it can be employed if you’re simply struggling with the many conflicting emotions that can be part of motherhood;
- Give yourself a break. Dedicate part of your day, even if it is half an hour, to doing something self-indulgent. It could be as simple as putting your feet up on the couch and watching your favourite TV show or curling up with a magazine. The key is to focus your mind away from your day.
- Don’t look backwards or forwards. Sometimes it is very easy to focus on the ‘what ifs’ or the ‘what has been’. This can be dangerous, particularly if we are forgetting the present. Focus on what is needed here and now.
- Believe in yourself. You are the best person for your child, you know what is best and no-one else.
- Allow yourself to make mistakes. We are only human and not infallible. The best way to learn and develop a new skill is by acknowledging and understanding our mistakes.
- Enjoy the journey! Give yourself the chance to stop and smell the roses and to see life for its humour, light and wonder. The thorns merely provide the lessons we need to garner knowledge and wisdom.
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